A scream of protest

I never felt like a bad person before today. It all started innocently enough. After class Emily and I needed to poke around town for an hour or so before we headed back to the river, so we decided to get Chinese food.

Sounds like a good plan right? Well actually that part was pretty good. It was much better than the last time we went to the Chinese buffet and saw a woman eating a fried chicken leg with the ferocity and table manners of a pitbull ripping a toddler’s face off. We had a good time chatting about things and eating wonton soup, but it was all about to come crashing down around me.

We still had a few minutes so we decided to do a little shopping. I needed a new shirt so we headed over to the outlet store and actually found just what I was looking for without a hassle. I was really happy, a great afternoon with my daughter, a four day weekend in the offing, life is good right? Life was good until we reached the register, then the cashier said those 4 little words. “Do you have our card?”

Do I have a card? I didn’t know I was supposed to have a card. I mean who has a discount card, for an outlet store? After all it is supposed to be a discount store, how much more can I save? I bought a shirt that cost $3.90, if I had a discount card they would have had to pay me! So I didn’t have a card, Emily didn’t have one either and the cashier lady gave me such a disapproving look that I knew immediately what had happened.

I have ruined lives; both Emily’s and mine, because I am unprepared to survive in this modern world. Emily will never get to transfer to a great four year college, or find a good husband, I will die alone and friendless, buried in an unmarked potters grave. Without a card I am a nonbeing, with a card I can save up points for ten percent off a factory second shirt. I know for a fact that this is my punishment for enjoying the life of a bachelor.

Had I a ball and chain dragging me to the ocean floor, I would have had a card. If I owned a minivan, I would have known right where my card was. If my house smelled of Crayola and mac and cheese I would have a card remembrance app on my smart phone, but because I still have a will to live, the married corporate executives have decided to punish me. They hate me because I am free and they are tied to their trophy lives. They resent my toilet seat up lifestyle because they are not strong enough to grab the gusto for themselves. They are ganging up on me and all my single friends, because they know, we can’t even remember to buy toilet paper until it’s too late and we have to sacrifice a washcloth, how are we going to keep track of a card when we only buy clothes once a year?

I am standing up to them; I will never have their card. If I find one of their cards on the street I will pick it up and use it to line the bottom of a beer coozy. I am a man damnit. I am proud and strong and single, I WILL NOT HAVE YOUR CARD!