Today in the shower I was thinking about my manhood. I wasn’t thinking about how great it is to be a guy, although I will take that extra .23 cents per dollar earned, without complaining. I was thinking specifically about my penis, and how great it is having one.
To begin with the penis is the ultimate toy for a boy. Have you ever seen a small male child who has his diaper removed? He goes straight for the goods. Freud and females think it is because he derives sexual pleasure from it, that’s not so. In fact Freud is so wrong, so often, about the male relationship with the penis, I suspect he, may actually have been a she, in a clever disguise. Small boys grab their penis because flopping it side to side between your fingers is funny. When we get older we like to move our hips and spin it in a circle, try that with your labia. One of my favorite games to play with my penis is to get it erect, flex my abdominals, and make him jump and bounce back and forth like he is dancing. Oh yeah I’m the man! I don’t do this for sexual pleasure, I do it because I’m bored, and it is fun, and maybe sometimes to amuse/arouse a woman. Guys also have a propensity for putting their penis where it does not belong, again, it isn’t sexual, it usually involves idle curiosity or, some sort of a beer bet. The simple fact of the matter is a man left alone is never bored, he brought his toy with him.
I also love my penis because it is so functional. Have you ever peed off a boat? Sure women can do that, but it requires a lot more effort. Have you ever had a urine sword fight? Not without a penis you haven’t. Write my name in the snow, no problem, get me a beer and I will make it happen. Men have 90% less urinary tract infections then women because our bladder is so far from the end of our urethra (medical terminology for pee hole) and because of the force of our stream. If I were trapped on a desert island with no pen with which to write a rescue note for the bottle, I could theoretically dip my penis in ink and use it like a quill pen. The penis was the very first Swiss army knife.
Men get to name their penis which is extremely cool. Women wonder why we do that, but really it should be obvious. Your penis looks just like a little man with one eye, he deserves a name. Besides not naming your penis would be like insulting your best friend, because that’s what a penis is, a best friend who lives in your pants.
Almost every war in recorded history (with the exception of any involving France) has been caused by a dispute over penis size. It’s a fact look it up! Hans Christen Anderson once saved all of Holland by sticking his penis in a dyke (or maybe it was a dike) either way, would I make this up. Thomas Edison suffered from frequent UTI’s and wasn’t able to idly play with his penis, which is pretty much how he was able to invent so much stuff. If your tee shot doesn’t make it past the ladies tee box, you have tee off the next hole with your penis hanging from your fly (my apologies to Mike for getting him caught by a course ranger).
I am currently waiting for approval from National Geographic to film a documentary called The Penis; Toy of the Future! If it never happens, if no one ever sees my ode to the penis, I will still be glad, cause I will still have my penis and what more does any man need.
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