Rolids for everyone

I need an attorney. Not just any litigator will do, I need a John Grisham wild eyed, fire breathing, self-righteous, Battle Hymn of the republic in the back ground, mouth piece. I need the Lincoln Lawyer. I can’t afford him though so I will have to settle for the Chrysler Le Baron Counselor I suppose.

First of all it is Friday, my day off. This is my day to clean house, do the laundry, and study (diagnostic criteria of cystic Fibrosis anyone), but first, first breakfast at Nellie’s (corner of U.S. 19 and SR 50 best sausage gravy in Weeki Wachee. A long breakfast face buried in the newspaper, cover to cover, saving the comics for last (that’s what Ray Bradbury would do), an interlude designed to last a thousand lifetimes of pleasure, better than a tent full of harem girls, this isn’t a meal this is BREAKFAST. Today however was a different story.

There in section A was a story concerning the government mandating that phones and the like built into new automobiles, be disabled while driving, and the hack politicians desire to spread it to all handheld devices. The government is stripping away more of my civil rights while I sleep. I am opposed to texting while driving, of course, just as any good Oprah Winfrey fan should be, but it is still my right. Where in the constitution is this mandated? Did I get my license from the federal government? NO. My driver’s license came from the state, so how is it the federal government can tell me how to drive? At the very least if they want to take this right from us, than they should balance it out by allowing assisted suicide. I think we can all agree texting and driving is a sign of suicidal tendencies right? I do not want to become, America the land of the almost free, I want to my rights back.

Worst of all is the way this makes me feel. My wonderful breakfast turned to lead in my stomach at this repulsive turn of events. That is why, friends and neighbors I need an attorney. I want to sue the federal government for emotional distress caused by reading newspaper articles about its misdeeds. I am demanding that I be reimbursed for the cost of antacids and attorney fees. Every time a politician solicits sex in a public place, every time the senate suggests that I shouldn’t have the right to own an assault weapon, every time my taxes are used to bail out a private corporation, the government should send me and everyone like me, a roll of Tums. Stand up Americans and let our battle cry be ROLAIDS FOR EVERYONE.