just another manic Monday

Something is bothering me this morning, a little nagging pain left over from last week and I have to get it off my chest or lose my fresh start for the week. Last week New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ordered the statehouse flags flown at half-mast for Whitney Houston and vetoed a gay marriage bill.  These two things are bad decisions in my opinion, but what really bothers me is the fact that I can’t figure out a way to combine the two events into some sort of an outrageous rant 

This is bad, this is really bad, this means the anti-psychotic medications are working and I am becoming normal. Horror of horrors. Who wants to be normal in this day and age? In today's mixed up world men are supposed to share and explore their emotions. Real men don’t share their feelings! I mean I have perfectly good feelings, this morning I feel like eating pancakes; does that mean I should share that with you? Noooooooooooo. Feelings are private, they are meant to be kept inside, bottled up, until after we accidentally drink half a fifth of Scotch with our buddies.

I blame the mess this world is in on Phil Donahue. He ran around in a dress telling it was alright to cry, and the American divorce rate has been on the rise ever since. Women don’t want to see a man cry, they want to feel safe and protected. Women want consistency and character in a partner, men who go around weeping all the time don’t portray the kind of best friend a good woman wants. It’s time for America to sack up. Men listen to me, if you feel you must share your feelings, then for God’s sake go to the bar and share them with your buddies so you can be properly ridiculed. That is nature’s way. 

Oh and Chris Christie, if you’re reading this, for Pete’s sake let the gays get married and prove you’re a real man. A real man would never take a fork away from a toddler headed for a light socket; after all he’ll only do it once. Let them learn from their own mistakes, instead of sharing the painful lessons of ours in the hope that they will learn. They won’t. That’s how real men roll.

Rolids for everyone

I need an attorney. Not just any litigator will do, I need a John Grisham wild eyed, fire breathing, self-righteous, Battle Hymn of the republic in the back ground, mouth piece. I need the Lincoln Lawyer. I can’t afford him though so I will have to settle for the Chrysler Le Baron Counselor I suppose.

First of all it is Friday, my day off. This is my day to clean house, do the laundry, and study (diagnostic criteria of cystic Fibrosis anyone), but first, first breakfast at Nellie’s (corner of U.S. 19 and SR 50 best sausage gravy in Weeki Wachee. A long breakfast face buried in the newspaper, cover to cover, saving the comics for last (that’s what Ray Bradbury would do), an interlude designed to last a thousand lifetimes of pleasure, better than a tent full of harem girls, this isn’t a meal this is BREAKFAST. Today however was a different story.

There in section A was a story concerning the government mandating that phones and the like built into new automobiles, be disabled while driving, and the hack politicians desire to spread it to all handheld devices. The government is stripping away more of my civil rights while I sleep. I am opposed to texting while driving, of course, just as any good Oprah Winfrey fan should be, but it is still my right. Where in the constitution is this mandated? Did I get my license from the federal government? NO. My driver’s license came from the state, so how is it the federal government can tell me how to drive? At the very least if they want to take this right from us, than they should balance it out by allowing assisted suicide. I think we can all agree texting and driving is a sign of suicidal tendencies right? I do not want to become, America the land of the almost free, I want to my rights back.

Worst of all is the way this makes me feel. My wonderful breakfast turned to lead in my stomach at this repulsive turn of events. That is why, friends and neighbors I need an attorney. I want to sue the federal government for emotional distress caused by reading newspaper articles about its misdeeds. I am demanding that I be reimbursed for the cost of antacids and attorney fees. Every time a politician solicits sex in a public place, every time the senate suggests that I shouldn’t have the right to own an assault weapon, every time my taxes are used to bail out a private corporation, the government should send me and everyone like me, a roll of Tums. Stand up Americans and let our battle cry be ROLAIDS FOR EVERYONE.

The Dream

I had a dream last night

I dreamt I was cool

Real cool

Like widowed sit-com dad cool

Two beautiful women

On young, one middle aged

Vied for my attention

Their eyes never left me

I understood what rapt meant

I thought to myself

Maybe I can sleep with them both

  The dream vanished

I was left with nothing

Nothing, to comfort me

But the harsh light of middle aged day

And my cat

OUTRAGE

I am outraged and you should be too, across America right now a howl should be raising itself to a fever pitch against the members of both the DNC and the RNC. That’s right the national committees of both major political parties are not only letting this country down they are slapping one of the most important American values in the face.  Ladies and gentlemen our flag is being dishonored to help fund a presidential campaign and neither party seems to care.

I came across an article in Yahoo finance, reprinted from the Washington post http://finance.yahoo.com/news/designer-gear-for-obama-raising-a-ruckus.html entitled Designer Gear for Obama Raising a Ruckus. It was an article about designer tee shirts and bags being sold to support President Obama’s reelection campaign and the Republicans are upset because they think it may violate campaign funding restrictions.

Folks, one of these bags are designed to look just like the American flag with hearts substituted for stars and writing on the stripes. I suppose it will be argued that these changes make the bag not a flag however; it is a reasonable facsimile thereof and therefore a violation of the American flag code. It took me less than 5 minutes of internet research to verify this and I urge everyone to do that themselves, rather than take my word at face value. Then I challenge you to stand up for the American flag.

THE DIFFERENCE

 

I don’t know the difference between dreams and nightmares anymore

 what happens when I walk through the door labeled subconscious

is just another night at the movies

Bambi or Jason Vorhees it’s all the same to me

 what are you going to do to scare me

 in my mind I’m already dead